Reasons Why I Should Be Gone
by gemfinder360
Summary: Set two weeks after Olivia breaks up with David. Olivia is very depressed.She's even thinking about suicide. She writes out a list of the reasons that she should commit suicide. Each reason is tied to a person. There are eight reasons on the list.
1. Prologue

**PROLOGUE**

"_I have no one"._ Olivia Benson thought to herself

It had been two weeks since she broke up with David, which she really didn't want to do, and she had just gotten back from the hospital.

She had never been so depressed.

She sat alone on her couch, in the dark.

"_I have no one else to live for."_

And in her mind, that was correct. There was no one else that needed her, no one else she could trust to stick around.

In her mind, she couldn't trust anybody.

And in her mind, she couldn't trust herself.

"_There's no one else that wants me. So why am I still here?"_

Suddenly, she sat up.

"_Why_ am_ I still here? I mean, there isn't anyone left that I could truly trust, heck, I can't even trust myself. So what is the reason that I'm still here? What is the reason that keeps me grounded on the earth when I could be flying through the clouds? What is keeping me from visiting my mother, confronting my father, and having a family with…with… Gosh, I can't even think about her. I…I need to think things over."_

Olivia got up, turned on the lights of her dark apartment, grabbed a notebook and a pen, and on the first page, in big letters, she wrote:

**Reasons why I should be gone**


	2. Reason Number One: Dad

** What do you guys think of the new story idea? I hope you like it. The next eight chapters are now the reasons on the list that Olivia wrote out, nobody is reading them, it's just what they say. So anyway, here's Reason number one. Oh, and the reasons go by in chronological order.**

**Reason Number One: Dad.**

My father. I never knew him, but apparently he knew me.

My mother was walking home late one night, coming back from the convenience store down the street. A man came up behind her, and dragged her into an empty alley way. He held her down as she fought like hell to get away, but he was just too strong. He ripped off all of her clothing. It was the middle of January. My mother got pneumonia a week later. Anyway, he raped her in that alley way, then forced my mother to let him into her apartment, where he raped her some more times, and gave her a bath so there would be no evidence. He stole the one thing that my mother treasured, and that was self security.

And then I came along.

And my mother hated me.

But that's a different reason and a different story.

Anyway, a few years ago I tried to find you. I found your wife, but she had Alzheimer's, so she was useless. And then I found Simon.

But like my mother, Simon is a different reason and a different story.

Simon was my half brother, and he had no idea that his father was a rapist. He even showed me a picture of them playing catch, like an ordinary son and father.

He showed me a box that belonged to you. He dumped everything out. The box was filled with pictures of me, some clipped from the newspaper, other's that you took yourself. There were newspaper article clippings about me in there, telling about my achievements in school.

You were stalking me.

You took away my privacy as easily as you took my mother's self security.

Only I didn't know you stole it until much, much later.

**A/N: I realize that this chapter and the one before it are pretty short, but there isn't a lot I can write. I'm trying to make these chapters as long as possible, so tell me what you think!**


	3. Reason Number Two: Mom

**Reason Number Two: Mom**

Mom, your story is a… complicated one.

Let's start off with I knew you loved me, but I only know that because every time you looked at me you saw your attacker, and every time you looked at me the memories would flood back into your brain of that horrible night.

But you kept me anyway. So I knew you loved me, but I also knew that you didn't like me.

You ignored me half the time, to save yourself a panic attack.

You also ignored me because most of the time you were drunk off your ass, too busy caring for a bottle to care or your own daughter. I felt so jealous of your students, because you never, EVER got drunk at work.

On the rare occasion that I came home and you were sober, you were quiet sweet. You acknowledged your drinking problem, and promised me that you would try to quit.

But you never did, so I spent most of my childhood bringing you pain meds, or getting another beer from the fridge to you, and cooking for myself, and getting myself ready for bed, and waking myself up in the morning, and getting myself ready for school.

I guess this is where I became so independent.

It's also where I started the fear of being loved.

Over the years I suffered through your drunken rages, I suffered through beatings and verbal lashings. And finally I had just had enough.

I got engaged, just so I could get away from you.

The night I told you I got engaged, I made the mistake of thinking you were sober. Nut you weren't. You were drunk as usual.

You threw a fit, and dropped your bottle of vodka. You blamed me for it, and you picked up the broken pieces as you were going to hit me with them.

But I kicked you. I kicked you, and kicked you, and you fell down and I kicked you against the wall. I don't know what came over me; I guess I was just saying that enough was enough. And I really am sorry for that, Mom, I really am.

As the years went on, you calmed down, and we became closer. You still drank, but not as much, and as I became an adult, I learned to love you more, and you loved me more, and you were much nicer. We would go out to dinner, and just hang out.

But then everything changed.

You were drunk, and thought it might be a nice idea to take the subway, god only knows where you were going.

You fell down the steps, and fractured your neck, and you died.

I had the liberty of finding out at work, and I only let a few tears slip, for fear that I would look vulnerable to my co-workers.

When I got home, I completely broke down, and sobbed over you.

And that was the last time I allowed myself to cry over you.

**A/N: So did you guys like this chapter? I realize that the chapters are short, and I'm sorry. I'm trying to make them as long as possible. Tell me what you think, I love to read the reviews!**


	4. Reason Number Three: VivianCalvin

**I haven't dropped off the face of the earth!**

**I've been really busy with school and just life in general.**

**I have decided to change the name of this story to, 'Reason's Why I Should Be Gone' so don't get confused.**

**Alright, authors note over, here's the next chapter!**

**(P.S I don't know if there are still going to be eight reasons, there might be more or there might be less, I haven't made up my mind.)**

Reason Number Three: Vivian/Calvin

My partner warned me not to get to close, or too attached. But when Vivian gave me the power of attorney over Calvin, I couldn't help it. I had finally had something close to a son.

I knew Vivian needed help and I tried my best to help her. It's always important to earn a victims trust, and in my eyes Vivian was a victim. But I didn't know she would trust me enough to put her only child with me.

Calvin and I had the best time together. At first it was a little awkward, but after the first week we became best friends. I considered him my own son and when he brought home the picture he signed, 'Calvin Benson,' my heart melted. My partner was right. I shouldn't have gotten to close. I still had to find Vivian. I couldn't help it though; it wasn't like I was just going to ignore him while he stayed with me.

And then Vivian came and took him away. He was literally ripped out of my arms. I still talk to him, I get letters all the time and he occasionally comes to visit and will spend the night, but it's still not the same. It just made me realize how lonely I really am.

**So, I realize that Olivia would probably never do this but whatever. Just go along with it.**

**I probably should have said this earlier but I just want to explain a few things so people won't get confused.**

**Olivia was pregnant with David's baby. She found out the morning of the day they broke up, and she never got a chance to tell him. With all the stress the job and the breakup has given her, she had a miscarriage. This will come up in future chapters.**

**Casey was raped about 9 months ago and got pregnant from it. This will also come up in later chapters.**

**Alright, well this is another short chapter but bear with me, there is more to come!**

**Meghan**


End file.
